Monday, November 17, 2008

The same, but different

Last week, I quasi-chronicled my ridiculous fear of crickets and my unfortunate (for the cricket) encounter with one in my bathroom. A couple of people asked where my valient husband was that I had to massacre the cricket on my own. He was out of town, otherwise, yes, he would have come to my rescue. I'm no damsel in distress, but I do recognize my own limits as a girl and in general I let my man do the killing. It makes him feel good and it spares me a heart attack. And, let me tell you, Lee is not only good at killing crickets and spiders...

A couple of years ago, Lee and I were just laying down to go to bed. It was around 10:00 and we were exhausted. As we laid down we heard a dog barking incessantly right outside our bedroom wall. After about fifteen minutes of listening to the dog's methodical, rhythmic bark, I sat up and said, "Seriously! Are you kidding me?!" I got up and walked to the back door and flipped on the back porch light. Just behind our fence in the back is a small cluster of trees, or a tangle of weeds, however you want to look at it. In front of that cluster stood a dog I've never seen before (nor have I seen it since this fateful night) and he was barking maniacally. I opened the door and gently told it to stop barking (I think my exact words were, "For the love, SHUT UP!") But the dog was worked up. There was obviously something in that cluster of trees/weeds that he wanted. At this point Lee walked out and we both put our shoes on to go investigate.

We very cautiously tiptoed up to where the dog stood. Lee gave the pooch a kick - uh, I mean gentle nudge with his toe - and we peered into the trees. At this point I was certain some kind of monster of death was going to leap out at us so I admit I was hanging back a little farther than Lee.

"Go get me a flashlight," Lee whispered. I ran inside, retrieved the flashlight and returned to him. He flipped it on and two huge, black eyes were suddenly shining back at us. I yelped and jumped back, and if I'm being honest, Lee did too - but don't tell him I told you that. It was a possum. But it wasn't any old possum. It was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Possum. It was huge. And it was hissing at us. Did you know possums hiss? Well, they do.

We quickly figured out that if we didn't do something to get rid of this animal we would be getting no sleep that night as this random dog was freaking out. So Lee asked me to go get a shovel.

"Why?" I asked.
"Just do it," Lee said. Knowing better than to argue with a man hopped up on adrenaline, I ran to the garage and got him a shovel, then I dashed back about ten yards. Lee needed me to hold the flashlight for him so he could see, but I had no intention of being close by when that possum was knocked loose. This is why women live longer than men - common sense...

What happened next was like a scene from a very bad horror movie. Lee knocked the possum down, angering the creature. In an act of self defense, he then began hitting the possum over and over, whopping and hollering the whole time. The dog started barking and hopping around and I'm standing in the corner of the yard cringing and yelping every time I hear the shovel meet the possum. Finally, Lee stepped back, panting and puffing. I was looking at him with wide, horrified eyes and the dog was drooling over the carcas on the ground. I can't remember if we scooped up the possum and threw it away or left it for the dog. I was in a bit of a stupor after that.

As we walked in the house, Lee had a new kind of swagger about him. I immediately began giggling. He was traipsing around the house like a pioneer man who had just defended his lady and children from the evil of the wild. He walked around the living room, his shoulders swinging, a smug look on his face. He had just conquered animal. He had defended his right to a good night's sleep, he killed something with his bare hands (well, almost). I've never seen him walk around with such pride. It was hilarious.

So, now you know what kind of man I have. He will go to great lengths for his family. He will face the beast. Okay, so it was only a possum. Don't tell Lee though. In his mind it was the same as fighting off a wolf or a mountain lion. And that is why I love my man. His devotion to me does not stop at killing spiders and crickets. What a guy!

- Oh, and by the way...If there is anyone from PETA who reads this blog, don't think we're animal haters. We have a dog. She is surviving us - mostly. We're not hunters and we don't kill animals on a regular basis - although we do like a good burger, admittedly. This was an isolated act of self defense so please, don't put us on your hate list. Much obliged...

15 comments:

heresthediehl said...

how have i never heard this story? hilarious!

Anonymous said...

That's my boy-man! I always knew he was beyond brave, and would come to the rescue of those he loved. I can just see that grin on his face, and that manly strut. He's right up there with his dad chasing the buglar out of our house. Lee, honey, I'm so proud of you.
Mom

the broomes said...

That is great...classic. I love it. I know that you were so proud, Kelli!:)
On a different note: question about kids-- it seems like Joshua and AB have decided to start fighting lately (great timing, huh: 5 weeks before another one comes along...:)) What has worked with Sloan and Tia? When do you let them work it out and when do you step in? Any advice/wisdom would be much appreciated:)

Three Against One said...

Okay, well I now see Lee in a whole new light. It is fun to tell stories of our hubbies though isn't it, I will try to think of a good one to tell about Cory.
Friday won't work for a play date, Claire has dance in the morning and then we are heading into Glendale to see Cory's aunt who will be in town for turkey day. We can always do it another time if Wednesday doesn't work for you anymore, no big deal. However, check my latest blog entry about Claire and her play date with Tia, you might need to do some sweet talking to my little one. Just Kidding!

Byshka said...

That story still makes me laugh. He and your dad would make quite a team. Remember the camping trip in Wisconsin when the raccoons got in the garbage outside the camper? Dad turned in to Rambo. But he had no shovel, only matches! We all slept safer that night knowing he was there! I can hardly wait to see the advice you give Lindsey on kids fighting, especially after Tia and Sloan on the platform at church yesterday. That was classic!
Mom

Tiffany said...

HA HA HA HA HA! I can totally see Lee doing this and it's just hilarious! It does however, make me think of Amy S. and her escapades with the ground hog in her front yard....did she tell you what she did to that thing? It gives you new respect for the girl.....

LOVE YA!

blessedpath said...

Okay, am I the ONLY one who is on the possums side in this story??? My jaw was dropped as you very descriptively told how Lee killed that poor innocent animal. What if it was trying to get back to its babies, but the dog had it cornered, so it was HIDING in your weeds.......I'm sorry, I've been emotional all weekend, thinking about my baby, Spanky, and missing him. I wish i knew possum-talk, so i could warn others to steer clear of the big bad Lee:)

blessedpath said...

oh yeah, forgot to sign my credentials on that last comment... Co-leader, CLUB HOPE
Humane Society

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals said...

We are appaled at this senseless killing of a harmless creature! What did he do to you? Did the animal pose some sort of threat?

I dont thing he did.

And if he did...do speak possum? Really? Just because you are fluent in dolphin does not qualify you to talk to all animals.

I hope that you seek forgivness for this atrocity.

Regards,
P.E.T.A.

"We love animals......they taste great!"

Stuarts said...

Dear PETA-
In fact, I do speak possum. If you must know, the possum was making obvious, agressive statements toward me and my husband. Lee, though meek and gentle felt he had no other choice than to defend his homestead at all costs. It was pure self defense. Given the brazen and hateful threats of the possum, it was actually quite humanitarian of Lee to dispose of him the way that he did. Thank you for your concern, but there isn't a jury in the world who could convict us for this incident. There is enough evidence present for reasonable doubt.

Sincerely, Kelli Stuart

P.S. If you like burgers, you should try Hardee's Lo-Carb thickburger. It's excellent and you can totally bypass the needless carbs. Enjoy!

P.E.T.A. said...

Thank you for your quick response...to tell you the truth...we only want to protect the cute ones anyway. I mean seriously...those things are U G L Y!

Questions about the incident..Did Lee have his shirt on? We hear he has been working out...and there are those of us in the Arm....PETA that are upset..(and jealous) that he is such a stud. We just want to know....for...our...investigation. Yea...thats it...thats the ticket.

We will be making an inspection of the area between the 21st of December...and the 1st of January..if there is a time that we can come by to make sure the premises is safe for all other woodland creatures. Say...around the 31st of December. Let us know.

Thanks,
PETA

Stuarts said...

Listen,
Our place is ALWAYS open on the 31st of December. And we are generally in such great spirits due to the holidays that we give even the ugly animals a pass that night - so come on by. BYOB!

jeremy nevil said...

Cool...we will be there!

jeremy nevil said...

crap...

Stuarts said...

So busted...